WBICDPH Chapter 31 Part 2

Yet her eyes were brighter than ever—no numbness, no deadness, no gloom. There was a flame inside, a spark forced out only after being driven into absolute despair.

“I was born human! What right do you have to judge me with the word ‘cheap’?! No one but me gets to say that about me—no one!”

Her hands were bound behind her back. Struggling, she dragged herself forward on her knees a few steps toward the madam.

The madam backed away again and again, staring at her madness, listening to her voice echo in the dark corner.

“I am Xu Dongsi! I am Xu Dongsi! My grandfather was the late emperor’s chief strategist, a founding pillar of the dynasty! My father was Grand Secretary Xu Wei—upright and devoted to the country! My mother once personally beheaded enemy soldiers; she was learned and famed throughout the capital! My eldest brother died for the nation on foreign soil; my second brother guards the borders, securing the realm! The Xu family—every one of them loyal and righteous! And I—!”

“You’re a prostitute!!!”

The madam’s shrill scream cut her off.

Dongsi froze. The fire in her eyes flickered, dissolving into blank confusion.

Seeing this, the madam felt she had regained the upper hand and stabbed at her with even more vicious words.

“You’re a whore! A filthy slut ridden by thousands! A spineless daughter of a condemned family, scraping by in disgrace! You threw away your pride and upbringing to learn how to please men! And now you dare put on airs? What do your parents and brothers’ honors matter? If I were them, seeing you debase yourself like this, I’d feel only shame. You are a disgrace, a stain, a worn shoe, a whore!”

“….”

Dongsi seemed to lose all life at once as she listened.

After a long while, she laughed.

At first, her shoulders trembled softly; then she laughed louder and louder, until she looked like a mad ghost.

“Yes! I’m a whore! A shameless whore!!! I deserve to rot in the mud, and little by little corrode everyone who despised and humiliated me! Maybe I was wrong from the start—I should’ve done what those men wanted, smashed my head to death for the sake of ‘chastity,’ then turned into a vengeful ghost and tortured you—tortured all of you—to death! Hahahaha… damn emperor, this rotten world, this rotten age! Hahahaha… Mother! Mother!!! Can you see this, Mother?! Dong’er has failed your teachings, Mother!!!”

Seeing Dongsi in this crazed state, the madam found herself unable to make a sound. Only then did she realize she was trembling all over.

Why was she shaking? Because of the reckless, head-losing words ringing in her ears—or because this was someone she had never truly seen or known?

Dongsi crawled so close that she nearly brushed the madam’s hem. The once-gentle, weak woman had been driven into a corner, laughing unconsciously and crying out for her mother.

Panic surged in the madam’s heart. She stumbled back half a step, her hand touching the iron tongs on the table behind her.

She didn’t think much then. She only wanted the madwoman in front of her to shut up—to never make a sound again, to stop crying out those terrifying words in that voice.

The rusted tongs were thrust into pale lips and teeth. Blood splashed over them both, and a piece of flesh was torn free.

The tongs and the severed tongue fell to the ground together. Blood streamed from Dongsi’s mouth, dripping from her chin. She could no longer speak, yet she still whimpered, laughing without form.

Outside the little black room came the girls’ shrill screams, mixed with sobbing cries.

The madam snapped back to herself, wiped the blood from her face at random, and hurried out, tightening the iron chain on the door as she left.

The room sank once more into loneliness and darkness.

Dongsi lay on the ground, tears mixed with blood smearing her face.

Cold.

So cold.

Yet she had once loved snowy days more than anything.

So… am I Mother’s disgrace?

Mother, if you could see me now, you would probably be disappointed—heartbroken.

But I tried, Mother. I truly tried.

Dongsi closed her eyes.

She was so tired—too tired.

As she did, she hazily looked back over her life.

In her youth, she was Third Miss Xu, cherished in the palm of a hand, her writing so fine that even the Grand Tutor praised it.

Her father never minded that she was a girl—he took her to see the people’s lives, taught her how to govern a state and manage a household. Her mother taught her poetry and painting. Before his death, her eldest brother would lift her onto his shoulders; before leaving for the frontier, her second brother went riding and archery with her alongside their elder brother.

But later, she cast aside everything she had learned in her first ten-odd years and became a prostitute who knew only how to please men.

Those who loved Xu Dongsi trampled Dongsi into the mud at will. Those who loved Dongsi loved only her carefully adorned face, treating her as a plaything.

Once people learned that Xu Dongsi had become Dongsi, they scoffed, felt disappointed, looked at her with disgust mixed with pity, and passed judgment with the words “self-debasement.”

But Xu Dongsi and Dongsi had always been the same person.

No one cared about her circumstances. No one cared about her choices. No one asked about her heart. They only wanted to see her die heroically to preserve a reputation for chastity.

Maybe she really was wrong.

Outside, wind and snow howled, but Xu Dongsi no longer felt cold.

The blood and tear tracks on her face slowly turned icy.

My grandfather was a founding pillar… my father was…

The Xu family… all loyal and righteous…

And I…

I am Xu Dongsi.

I wanted this world to be gentler to women. I wanted girls not to have to depend on men. I wanted to be known for my talent. I wanted independence. I wanted to win the highest honor through my own ability. I wanted to become someone as great as my grandfather, my parents, and my brothers.

I failed in everything I wanted to be.

Xu Dongsi—how tragic, how laughable.

The last tear slid from the corner of her eye. Her pulse stopped, and her body gradually grew as cold as snow in the depths of winter.

In a daze, she saw the boys who once climbed her family wall just to catch a glimpse of her. Then those admiring gazes stood beneath a stage, cheering for her. At last, the splendor faded, returning to silence and cold.

The world loves my fleeting, brilliant bloom.
None know the soaring ambition that once rested in my heart.